When I think of myself at twelve years old I think of this little weakling and it kinda of annoys me. Like there were a lot of missed opportunities when I was twelve. I was so small and a late bloomer and insecure. I’m still evolving, I’m still young. But now I definitely have a sense of who I am, like I’m not going to let people push me around anymore or let myself down, because I think I definitely created my own misery. So now I am stronger and I’m going to try to not let that happen again.
After school I’ll go with friends and go to H&M and get clothing and then I’ll run out of money but still look at things, which I still like. There’s the Victoria’s Secret Pink , H&M, Urban Outfitters, and there’s Lush. I earn money by doing homework, doing good on tests, handing in all my homework, birthdays, family members. Sometimes when I shop with my parents I have something in mind, like maybe I need to shop for the summer and I have to go on a trip and I need a bathing suit. But when I shop with my friends it’s like, “Oh that’s nice!” I shop in the clearance section.
I have different relationships with my groups of friends. One, it’s all about books and studying and talking about grades. Maybe asking, “Oh, what’s for homework this night?” Whereas the friends who are boys, they curse a lot and there’s not as much drama, at least not mental drama. Physically, they are all over the place. I used to hang out with this group of boys, we played tag during recess and we did a lot of physical things that were teasing. For example, they’d jump over my head but I was fine with that. It was physical testing. I liked it more than mental testing which happens with some of my girlfriends.
When I was twelve is when my eyes first opened up that I maybe needed different people to hang out with. That some people were trying to grow up too fast. That some people were pretty immature. They were considered the cooler group of people. Everyone tries to grow up too fast and do stuff that someone in high school would be doing rather than what twelve year old girls should be doing. My mom wasn’t telling I couldn’t be friends with them, but then after awhile, you start noticing stuff on your own.
I would say being 12 is an awkward, fun, exciting, horrible, nerve racking, interesting, and figuring out who you are kind of age. For me, all I wanted was to turn 13 because I would officially be a teenager. Honestly, I'm not sure why I wanted to be a 13 year old. I guess it was that I wasn't happy with the age 12 or the number 12. It's sort of in the middle of child-child-hood and then a jump to a teenager because 11 would be the child-child hood, 12 would be the awkward middle then 13 would be full teenager. All I wanted was to be 13 and get the year over with.
What's important to me right now is being able to empathize with other people and understanding what they may be feeling or what affects them. I feel like a lot of people, especially when they are going through a hard age and time, like now, they want to be able to open up to someone, for someone to understand what's happening, and for them to be able to open up and trust them. That's really valuable to have someone you really trust, to have someone you really feel you can trust your real personality with, you know? And that's who I want to be to my friends.
It was hard for me to come into a new school at this age and have people already know who they want to be friends with. I sat with a bunch of different groups of girls. One bunch I sat with them because they reminded me of my old friends but that didn’t work out because I knew that they couldn’t replace my old friends and I felt too safe. I felt I wasn’t taking a risk so I decided to sit with this other group of friends that weren’t like any group of friend’s I’d ever been friends with. They are very spontaneous. They don’t talk the way my other friends do, like they curse more. And for some reason I’m more relaxed that they won’t judge if I do or say something that may have seemed a little crazy before.
I sing in church and this year I actually participated in the school talent show, which was fun. I sang this song called Rise Up by Andra Day. And it was quite terrifying considering it was school but I still sang. I was kinda freaking out but I was like, “You can do this! You need to just keep going!” I really wanted to do it for a while and I had friends who were telling me that I can do it, that I have a lot of talent. They were very supportive.
I’ve always people have told me that I’m just really out there, which is good. I think it’ll be good in the long run. That I’m a lot to handle. Maybe.
When you go on Instagram and you see all of these girls who are my age who have their stomach out and long nails and all that, you feel like, “Oh, I want to do that!” But then when your parents say no you feel like you’re not like everyone else. But then you realize that’s a good thing because you want to be original.
When I went to the March on Washington I felt like I was a part of current events, maybe in 100 years kids in school will be studying the Women’s March, like I had studied Women’s’ Suffrage. I felt like I was doing something powerful and standing for what I believe in. I think it’s important to voice my option and be a part of her-story. When I was deciding on what sign to make I didn’t want to make anything that would make anyone feel bad, this sign really fit what I was going through. I wanted to get my point across and affect my world and to do it in a kinder way, not targeting one type of person because that is what we need to move away from.
So at my old school I remember in 6th grade my grades were really bad, they weren’t terrible but they were on the lower side of average. And I didn’t care. Sometimes, I thought that mean jokes were funny and my old friends, when they did things to get attention or did little things to people who were supposed to be their friends, I just went along with it because I didn’t know what else to say. If I kept doing that I don’t know what would have happened. I’m really glad that I didn’t stay.
I like to be sporty but also pretty, you know. You’ve got to be like, gotta be both.
You want to do everything. You want to be friends with someone. You want to be enemies with the same person. There’s drama, artificial drama and real drama and then not-drama and none of it’s drama because you’re just in 7th grade.
12 for me was the end of 7th grade to the beginning of 8th grade and that was a relatively dramatic time. Not for any specific reason, it was just by the end of 7th grade I think everyone was relatively comfortable after all the new kids had come in. It was just people were starting to get comfortable and showing their true colors and a lot of my friend group changed at the end of 7th grade.
I had my heart set on a pair of Dr Martens and they’re like pretty expensive and that was a major turning point in me growing up because I asked for something expensive when I don’t usually do that. And they were kinda like, me noticing them on other people and me discovering my style. I still think that I’m still in my childhood. I think that when I turn thirteen I’ll still be in my childhood. I think that part of my childhood is never going to go away. I still think that I’m a kid.
Well, people would talk about each other to me and then hang out and then I’d be the one that wasn’t invited and it wouldn’t make sense and I’d explain to my mom. And she’d tell me that, not everyone is really your friend always. And then I mean it seemed it’d be hard to go out and make a whole group of friends after you already had that. So you deal with something that you shouldn’t really have had to deal with but over time I decided that it wasn’t something I wanted to do anymore.